Oof. I think you just forced me to face this fact in myself. How I am relating (or not) to my jabbed beloveds. I thought perhaps that I have been preemptively grieving them since I first started my research, have had insomnia for over a year, cried every night for a long time, cry whenever alone in the car--I thought it was worry fatigu…
Oof. I think you just forced me to face this fact in myself. How I am relating (or not) to my jabbed beloveds. I thought perhaps that I have been preemptively grieving them since I first started my research, have had insomnia for over a year, cried every night for a long time, cry whenever alone in the car--I thought it was worry fatigue that has caused me to be unable to rally much of a genuine concern or emotional worry for my people lately. I am extremely sensitive/empathetic, so its hard to imagine that I've run out of care. What you said struck me viscerally, and it's hard to admit to knowing what you mean.
We don't even live on the same planet, have a shared reality, any ground that isn't shaky. They too are sensitive and intelligent people, and they must be observing what I am, even if they aren't reading what I am, they have to feel the truth of our situation, think back to all the seeds I planted, and yet they just sleepwalk, so disengaged in all ways. I'm always painfully uncomfortable around my favorite people now, and its depressing as hell. Because we were close, so close! It's such a betrayal. I can't share my thoughts on anything that matters to me, and they won't just let down their guards and share their fears with me. Me! The one person who would believe them and understand completely, research protocols and advocate for them. I feel like I'm standing on one side of a large canyon, my people on the other side. They are so far away from me, communication is almost impossible. We shadowbox sometimes. I feel for them (myriad new health issues), but I also feel like I already lost them. It's as though their inability to get past the jab issue created an inability to share any part of their lives with me save obligatory updates. I feel they deeply distrust me, like I'm waiting to say I told you so. Its as if they don't know me at all, and that's the ultimate heart break of this.
In the before time, I was a trusted confidant and sister/daughter/friend. Now I am held at arm's length, creating the distance we all feel, yet somehow they blame and resent me for it with ninja like magical thinking. Once they had made their minds and got the jabs, I dropped all talk of them. I didn't want them scared or feeling hounded after the fact. I showed them the respect I expected them to show me. I wasn't afforded that respect or grace, but they act as though roles are reversed, like I showed them disdain or judgment. I think maybe I embody all of their doubts. Who wants to spend time with a specter/mirror like that? They had concerts to go to, restaurants to dine at, vacations to plan for. . . all the while knowing I was barred from enjoying those things, knowing I was terrified of mandates. So who are we to each other now?
I know that it could also simply be my brain jumping to action to protect me/numb me. The scale of the harm is so enormous, the onslaught of terrifying data and predictions so consistent and seemingly unending, I am spiritually tired. I am sad and grieving so much on so many different levels, I'm sure my coping mechanisms are strong right now. And I know if anything were to happen to any of them, I'd be devastated. I wish I could tell them what is in my heart and beg them to come back to me, but I have tried iterations of that over the past year, and each attempt was brushed off with gaslighting and smiles that don't quite reach their eyes. Yes, we have all lost a chunk of humanity.
I feel your pain, Amy, I really do. We pretty well all do on here. This is the one place we can come where we can be our real selves, where we can also show people that still we DO care - and where people appreciate that care. We are on here to connect with people to know that we CAN still connect with people; sane people, reasonable people, scientific people, open people; caring people.
Maybe try to think of this process as we only FEEL we have lost a chunk of our humanity - but the mere fact that we DO feel we have lost it shows just how very human we are. Your grief and your pain and your sense of loss all show me what a truly wonderful human being you are, Amy. My words won't make those people in your life connect with you any better, no, but perhaps they will give you some peace that you are a good, wonderful person, with a warm heart. If I can see that just by reading your post, then the people in your life must be truly blind
I don't think it is gaslighting. Those that gaslight are abusers, what you are experiencing is due to them being gaslighted. They are the ones abused. They were told that if you go with the mask, get vaccinated, stay home stay safe, flatten the curve, that we are all in this together...unless you aren't. This doesn't mean they aren't abusers. after all one of the things that abuse victims tend to do is pay it forward. So what can you do? I think they actually believe what they were told...but if they aren't then yes, they would be gaslighting you.
I can tell you it's not political, but it could be governmental, or that could be a factor. I know one conservative and one liberal who both have government jobs. When they came to visit me, both of them were wearing masks, in a house where no one, including seventy year olds, wore masks. I guess we are all just filthy plague spreaders?
There was this one guy at karaoke who talked to me about getting the vaccine. I assured him I wasn't going to get it, this was back last summer.He showed up the next week telling me he got it...his wife encouraged him to get it. Since I am single I have been mostly immune to anyone encouraging me to get the vaccine although I did have someone say "if you have a choice between getting the vaccine and not getting a job, get the vaccine." I felt very sad at that moment. A job was more important than my health or my freedom, at least according to him.
I don't think we are without compassion, it's just at this point, it is overwhelming, so like a pinball machine we have tilted. I can't process how far gone they are.
Throughout the pandemic, I found myself getting into arguments like this:
"What is more selfish, not doing something that kills only .3% of the population, or demanding that everyone do something that only kills .3% of the population? Forget if it works or does not work, it appears pretty radical to be masking, social distance, shut down, lockdown, and change a lot of things just so .3% of the population is protected. Should it not be incumbent upon that .3% to be responsible for themselves.
Wow! That’s a very thorough and deep hearted exposition Amy. Big hugs to you.
We are crazies to the faithful followers - I have had them ask me why do I make a conspiracy out of something that is proven science, etc. I understand that their reality is worlds away from mine - and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. i reckon we love them hard, have some fun together while we can - and that’s that. As sad and hard as it is, we have to release.
Thank goodness we all have one another that do ‘see’.
Nail on head and incredibly eloquent. Coward that I am, my hope lies in time being a healer, for those of us on both sides of the divide.
But ask me if we'll ever have mass recanting, unequivocal admittance of what we've all put eachother through and what we've lost... I'd say the chances are extremely slim.
That means the best case scenario is a gradual fading of the awkwardness and distance you describe, but never a total erasure. Things will never be quite the same again, which is why it's important to build new relationships.
It may be we come to accept the 50/70/80% restored relationships we have those formerly 100% allies. But it may equally be that the pain of not discussing how they came to be so traduced becomes too much to bear. And that's when unblighted relationships will become so important to fall back on.
Wow. You just said it all and got me crying! I so relate to being "painfully uncomfortable around my favorite people now" and the sense that they have gone to a different place, like across the canyon you describe. I'm in ever-silent anticipation of some awful things to happen to friends and family, and have already seen such. They are oblivious. I'm wondering if the jabs affect peoples' brains?
I know you are hurting, as are so many of us. Please know you have this great Substack family for support. I'd love a way we could all meet. I went to the LA Defeat the Mandates rally and there was such love in the crowd- I'm sure many Substackers were there! Maybe a Substack Writers Weekend, where we could all attend, meet and hear our fav writers and hang out together!
Oof. I think you just forced me to face this fact in myself. How I am relating (or not) to my jabbed beloveds. I thought perhaps that I have been preemptively grieving them since I first started my research, have had insomnia for over a year, cried every night for a long time, cry whenever alone in the car--I thought it was worry fatigue that has caused me to be unable to rally much of a genuine concern or emotional worry for my people lately. I am extremely sensitive/empathetic, so its hard to imagine that I've run out of care. What you said struck me viscerally, and it's hard to admit to knowing what you mean.
We don't even live on the same planet, have a shared reality, any ground that isn't shaky. They too are sensitive and intelligent people, and they must be observing what I am, even if they aren't reading what I am, they have to feel the truth of our situation, think back to all the seeds I planted, and yet they just sleepwalk, so disengaged in all ways. I'm always painfully uncomfortable around my favorite people now, and its depressing as hell. Because we were close, so close! It's such a betrayal. I can't share my thoughts on anything that matters to me, and they won't just let down their guards and share their fears with me. Me! The one person who would believe them and understand completely, research protocols and advocate for them. I feel like I'm standing on one side of a large canyon, my people on the other side. They are so far away from me, communication is almost impossible. We shadowbox sometimes. I feel for them (myriad new health issues), but I also feel like I already lost them. It's as though their inability to get past the jab issue created an inability to share any part of their lives with me save obligatory updates. I feel they deeply distrust me, like I'm waiting to say I told you so. Its as if they don't know me at all, and that's the ultimate heart break of this.
In the before time, I was a trusted confidant and sister/daughter/friend. Now I am held at arm's length, creating the distance we all feel, yet somehow they blame and resent me for it with ninja like magical thinking. Once they had made their minds and got the jabs, I dropped all talk of them. I didn't want them scared or feeling hounded after the fact. I showed them the respect I expected them to show me. I wasn't afforded that respect or grace, but they act as though roles are reversed, like I showed them disdain or judgment. I think maybe I embody all of their doubts. Who wants to spend time with a specter/mirror like that? They had concerts to go to, restaurants to dine at, vacations to plan for. . . all the while knowing I was barred from enjoying those things, knowing I was terrified of mandates. So who are we to each other now?
I know that it could also simply be my brain jumping to action to protect me/numb me. The scale of the harm is so enormous, the onslaught of terrifying data and predictions so consistent and seemingly unending, I am spiritually tired. I am sad and grieving so much on so many different levels, I'm sure my coping mechanisms are strong right now. And I know if anything were to happen to any of them, I'd be devastated. I wish I could tell them what is in my heart and beg them to come back to me, but I have tried iterations of that over the past year, and each attempt was brushed off with gaslighting and smiles that don't quite reach their eyes. Yes, we have all lost a chunk of humanity.
I feel your pain, Amy, I really do. We pretty well all do on here. This is the one place we can come where we can be our real selves, where we can also show people that still we DO care - and where people appreciate that care. We are on here to connect with people to know that we CAN still connect with people; sane people, reasonable people, scientific people, open people; caring people.
Maybe try to think of this process as we only FEEL we have lost a chunk of our humanity - but the mere fact that we DO feel we have lost it shows just how very human we are. Your grief and your pain and your sense of loss all show me what a truly wonderful human being you are, Amy. My words won't make those people in your life connect with you any better, no, but perhaps they will give you some peace that you are a good, wonderful person, with a warm heart. If I can see that just by reading your post, then the people in your life must be truly blind
xox
I don't think it is gaslighting. Those that gaslight are abusers, what you are experiencing is due to them being gaslighted. They are the ones abused. They were told that if you go with the mask, get vaccinated, stay home stay safe, flatten the curve, that we are all in this together...unless you aren't. This doesn't mean they aren't abusers. after all one of the things that abuse victims tend to do is pay it forward. So what can you do? I think they actually believe what they were told...but if they aren't then yes, they would be gaslighting you.
I can tell you it's not political, but it could be governmental, or that could be a factor. I know one conservative and one liberal who both have government jobs. When they came to visit me, both of them were wearing masks, in a house where no one, including seventy year olds, wore masks. I guess we are all just filthy plague spreaders?
There was this one guy at karaoke who talked to me about getting the vaccine. I assured him I wasn't going to get it, this was back last summer.He showed up the next week telling me he got it...his wife encouraged him to get it. Since I am single I have been mostly immune to anyone encouraging me to get the vaccine although I did have someone say "if you have a choice between getting the vaccine and not getting a job, get the vaccine." I felt very sad at that moment. A job was more important than my health or my freedom, at least according to him.
I don't think we are without compassion, it's just at this point, it is overwhelming, so like a pinball machine we have tilted. I can't process how far gone they are.
Throughout the pandemic, I found myself getting into arguments like this:
"What is more selfish, not doing something that kills only .3% of the population, or demanding that everyone do something that only kills .3% of the population? Forget if it works or does not work, it appears pretty radical to be masking, social distance, shut down, lockdown, and change a lot of things just so .3% of the population is protected. Should it not be incumbent upon that .3% to be responsible for themselves.
Indeed it should be incumbent upon that .3% to be responsible for themselves. Agreed!!
I love self-responsibility. It's awesome. But so many people just can't/won't/don't do it.
Can I steal can’t/won’t/don’t as my pronouns?
Sure you can :-D
Wow! That’s a very thorough and deep hearted exposition Amy. Big hugs to you.
We are crazies to the faithful followers - I have had them ask me why do I make a conspiracy out of something that is proven science, etc. I understand that their reality is worlds away from mine - and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. i reckon we love them hard, have some fun together while we can - and that’s that. As sad and hard as it is, we have to release.
Thank goodness we all have one another that do ‘see’.
Nail on head and incredibly eloquent. Coward that I am, my hope lies in time being a healer, for those of us on both sides of the divide.
But ask me if we'll ever have mass recanting, unequivocal admittance of what we've all put eachother through and what we've lost... I'd say the chances are extremely slim.
That means the best case scenario is a gradual fading of the awkwardness and distance you describe, but never a total erasure. Things will never be quite the same again, which is why it's important to build new relationships.
It may be we come to accept the 50/70/80% restored relationships we have those formerly 100% allies. But it may equally be that the pain of not discussing how they came to be so traduced becomes too much to bear. And that's when unblighted relationships will become so important to fall back on.
Beautifully put, Gareth.
Wow. You just said it all and got me crying! I so relate to being "painfully uncomfortable around my favorite people now" and the sense that they have gone to a different place, like across the canyon you describe. I'm in ever-silent anticipation of some awful things to happen to friends and family, and have already seen such. They are oblivious. I'm wondering if the jabs affect peoples' brains?
I know you are hurting, as are so many of us. Please know you have this great Substack family for support. I'd love a way we could all meet. I went to the LA Defeat the Mandates rally and there was such love in the crowd- I'm sure many Substackers were there! Maybe a Substack Writers Weekend, where we could all attend, meet and hear our fav writers and hang out together!