fear and superstition

a guest column by "monsieur pierre"

merci monsieur chat mauvais!

as a frenchman in transylvania, i am grateful for zee chance to discuss zee grand struggle for zee safety en la face of ze unremitting dangeur for zo zey may mock zee docteurs zat say such sings as zees, always we must be prepared!

Tanya Selak @GongGasGirl

I’m a vaccinated anaesthetist and this is how I shop for my family. A thread 1/n.

oui, to some this may appear zee crazee, but for zose steeped en zee life of zee vigilance eterale, zis is just zee good sense! like zee docteur, never does pierre leave ze house after dark wizzout ze equipment du saftee!

zee preparation, is indeed zee key to surviving zee fell beasts of la nuit as zey ply zere cunning wiles. like zee docteur avec her mask and her sanitizer, i too am the man of readiness!

for evil shall not sneak upon pierre and take him unaware. non!

and zis is, of course, soulement zee good sense! never give zee creatures of zee night zee target additional!

Tanya Selak @GongGasGirl

Current rules are that maximum one person per household can go each day. We minimise this as much as possible. Either my hubby or I go. Never together. No kids. 3/n

and always zis is ze race avec the laser focus!

Tanya Selak @GongGasGirl

Once inside, it’s a race. I assume I have covid. I assume everyone else has covid. I shop with laser sharp focus. No browsing. I avoid crowded aisles. Keep distant. Get only what I need, touch only what is necessary. I don’t squeeze every avocado to see which is ripe…. 6/n.

for alzo the ripe avocado, she is a wonder of ze culinary world, anyone can be ze dangeur! anyone! and sometimes one must sacrifice ze perfect toast for zee perfect saftee!

do not forget to sanitize zee hands!

some, zey say to me, “pierre, your mind, we fear that you have lost it!” but non!

Tanya Selak @GongGasGirl

So why do I do this? Am I outta my mind? I didn’t care about germs before the pandemic. Well, in my job we are all about risk minimisation. I want to protect myself, my family, my patients and my colleagues. I don’t need to spend ages faffing about in there. 8/n

because zere is no saftee too grand pour mes amis and ma famalie!

even zee “black garlic doritos” i import from japan to fight zee black magic of zee undead! (zeese are no so bad, by zee way…)

and, mais certainment, zeeze precautions have saved pierre for many zee dark shadow has pierre seen, yet never had zee vampire attacked him! so ha! i say to zee doubteurs and zee detracteurs!

my garlic protects you!

your wooden stakes, zey protect pierre!

for even one vampire, she is too many!

#zerovampire

#zerocoven

so do not mock zee docteur as she performs “la signal du vertu” for zee mask, she is the “talisman formidable” against zee covid! even zee journale du medecin du le england nouveaux, she says so!

and when one must provide ze feeling of zee saftee, what is ze mere rationality when, after all, ze physician she shall not hear of such things! for zee fear she is best confronted avec zee gewgaw and ze performance, no?

always has zis been so!

such things as ze “data” and ze “randomized controlled trial,” zese are for lesser minds!

pierre, he is not ashamed to admit that beneath “la wubbie” pour les enfants, pierre he sleeps! and never has zee monsteur bozzered pierre dans la nuit! and so, ce ca, it is proven!

la wubbie, she protects against zee monster! from none ozzer zan the CDC did pierre learn zis trial methodologie! formidable!

alors mes amis, so pierrie will leave you, perhaps zee wiser, perhaps aevc un peu less of zee fear, but better for ze knowledge zat even zo one may appear as ze clown or ze lunatic, saftee she is too important pour la vanity or la rationalite!

betteur to run in ze circles and ze whole world to drag with you, zan to be caught by ze evil sitting down!

bon.

-p